Worlds Apart

By Dominique Agnew

Originally Published in the Monocacy Monocle, Volume V, Number 4, May 30, 2008.

How many times has it occurred that visitors from the Down-County region of Montgomery County have come to the Ag Reserve and exclaimed over its beauty? They never realized what a jewel it is. How many people does that leave who don’t come to our area, who don’t appreciate what it represents, and who could care less about it—whether it exists or not? Too many, sadly, is the answer. It’s as if they live in a different world and don’t understand our world, our beliefs and values, and our way of life.

Maybe the time is now.

We who live in this area (most of the Monocle readership) are fighting for our lives, it seems. Everybody wants a piece of the Ag Reserve—and not always for the best of reasons. There have been created a few organizations (For a Rural Montgomery, for example, or the Montgomery Countryside Alliance, to name another) which actively combat those who wish to encroach upon and sully the richness of the natural beauty we’re trying to preserve. It has been said before, no one ever takes a development and turns it back into a farm. Once farms are developed, they are devoured forever. Much money has been raised and spent in an effort to protect the Reserve, to educate the Down-Countians about this natural resource. Wouldn’t it be nice if we didn’t have to protect it? Maybe that money could be raised to nurture something else beautiful (oh, maybe the arts or music).

The time is now.

Not only does the Down-County disregard the Up-County and its beauty, it looks upon it as a sort of dumping ground. Montgomery County needs a penitentiary. The Down-County says: Not in my backyard. Let’s put it in Clarksburg, there’s plenty of room there. Montgomery County police officers need a shooting range. The Down-County says: Not in my backyard. Let’s put it in Poolesville, they have room. Montgomery County thinks it needs another highway and another bridge across the Potomac (what it really needs is for people to walk and ride trains—look at Europeans). The Down-County says: Not in my backyard. Let’s put it in Dickerson, there’s hardly anybody there to be bothered by it.

The time is upon us.

Naturally, we have representation in the Montgomery County government, but it’s mighty small, comparatively. What if the whole county council were representing only the Up-County and nothing but the Up-County? That would be mighty fine. Of course, the Down-County would say, Where’s our representation? Well, my friends, I have a solution. If I may put forth a Modest Proposal (not in the style of Swift, mind you, but Modest, nonetheless). The Down-County can have its county council (and it can eat it, too). We will no longer join them, for, you see, we will have our own county—a county where we make the rules, a county where we choose our destiny, a county where silly laws for city people won’t apply (cats must be on a leash when outside—whatever), a county where people who want city laws should move back to the city (or suburbia in that other county, the Montgomery one).

The time is upon us, my friends, for a secession.

Ah, you need a moment for reflection and contemplation, yes? Let me help you. I Propose that the Ag Reserve break off from the rest of Montgomery County and become its own, proper county. Why not? For that matter, I urge those in Frederick County who are like-minded, namely the southern and southwestern regions along the Potomac, to join us. Do you think our new county needs a name? I thought so too, and so, to commemorate the greatest landmark in our new county—Sugarloaf Mountain—I Propose: Sugar County. If you want to say it with attitude: Sugah County. If you want to say it with sweetness: Sugah County—this pronunciation has a different inflection, a little less sass, perhaps. For sure, there are other details to be worked out, but you can’t expect me to solve everything, can you? Then we’ll end up with Despot County (which doesn’t roll off the tongue quite so neatly, does it?).

The time has come.

Despot County aside, I do have a few thoughts. We may need a little bit of income. Hmm, that power plant that happens to be in Sugar County, well, if you live outside of Sugar County, you’ll have to pay a little surcharge to purchase our power. Schooling? Why, welcome staff and students to the Sugar County Public Schools. Where will we put our state-of-the-art music and arts center? Well, once we bus the prisoners from the Clarksburg Penitentiary to the new center of Montgomery County and drop them off there, then we’ll have a nice-sized facility to convert.

The time has come—for a Revolution.