Road Hazards

By John Clayton

Originally Published in the Monocacy Monocle, Volume V, Number 4, May 30, 2008.

I was almost hit by a snake on Barnesville Road the other day. I was driving along, minding my own business, when a large bird that appeared to have some sort of elongated tail or set of feet like an exaggerated heron came hurtling toward my vehicle from the right side. I subsequently realized that it was a bird carrying a snake, and that the bird was most likely a hawk. The former is a slam dunk; I am quite sure it was a snake. The latter is based on my limited knowledge of wildfowl: I believe hawks will do that sort of thing, the flash of color seemed about right, I see hawks quite frequently in that general area, and the bird had that muscular look that hawks have. So for the purpose of this story, it was a hawk, even if it was an owl.

The hawk and I both swerved, neither of us being challenged by oncoming traffic, and the hawk briefly swooped back whence he came, and then turned back and continued upon his original flight pattern, which was to get to the other side.

I immediately began to consider the possibilities. What if I had been unable to swerve due to oncoming traffic or perhaps just not having enough time to react? In that case, I could have hit the two of them, or perhaps just startled the hawk enough to drop the snake. Had I been in a convertible—or had a sunroof open—things could have gotten very interesting. I pictured the snake dropping into the car and subsequently slithering safely away, leaving a now white-haired cardiac arrest victim and a mystery that no CSI team is ever going to crack.

This led me to another thought, which was to suggest to the Barnesville Mayor and Commissioners that perhaps one could train hawks to swoop down on speeding cars and drop snakes on them. This, in my humble opinion, would help alleviate the very legitimate problem of people speeding through Barnesville. In fact, it might help alleviate traffic altogether altogether, as most people don’t like snakes, and even those of us that are accepting of them still don’t like to be surprised by them. I realize there are two obvious problems with this. First, this could harm the snakes, which are generally just minding their own business and want nothing more than to be totally insulated from the affairs of mankind, even if it means being eaten by a hawk or an owl. Second, if the Town of Barnesville tried to hire birds and reptiles for traffic control, they would doubtless run afoul (sorry) of a Montgomery County ordinance that forbids local jurisdictions from hiring traffic attenuation consultants. Hence, they would have to be hired by the county, the Division of Reptilian and Avian Traffic Controllers (DRATC). They would inevitably unionize and the Montgomery County Council would grant them eight percent annual pay increases, ensuring that their salaries would double every nine years, resulting in additional increases in our property taxes. Give me a little credit, okay? I’ve lived in Montgomery County for thirty-six years. I saw that one coming.